Most families postpone as long as possible the decision to use a nursing home. Once the decision is reached, the process of selecting a good facility is so painful that often they move too fast. Good advice: Give a yourself, a parent, or other relative time to get used to the idea. Meanwhile, investigate every possible choice thoroughly. How to begin: Get lists of accredited homes from your church, fraternal order, state agency on aging, American Association of Homes for the Aging (Suite 770, 1050 17th St. NW, Washington, DC 20036), or American Health Care Association (1200 15th St. NW, Washington, DC 20000.

Evaluating a nursing home:

•The accreditation, license, and certification for Medicare and Medicaid should be current and in force.

•Best to arrive without an appointment. Look at everything. Building and rooms should be clean, attractive, safe, and meet all fire and health codes. Residents should not be crowded (ask about private rooms; sometimes they're available at reasonable extra cost). Visit the dining room at meal time. Check the kitchen, too. Visit activity rooms when in session.

•The staff should be professionally trained and large enough to provide adequate care for all residents.

•lf the home requires a contract, read it care fully. Show it to your lawyer before signing. Some homes reserve the right to discharge a patient whose condition has deteriorated even if a lump sum payment was made upon admittance. The best arrangement is an agreement that allows payment by the month or permits refunds of advance payment if plans change.

•Find out exactly what services the home provides and which ones cost extra For example, the expenses of private-duty nurses are not included. Extras, like shampoo and hairset, can be exorbitant. Make a list of the "extras" that will be needed for a comfortable life. Try to supply some of them yourself.

•Before you decide on a home, you should talk with the administrator and department heads. Find out who is in charge of what and whom to speak to if problems arise.

A Tax note: The complete cost of nursing home care for the aged is usually deductible as a medical expense.